Anyways, sometimes i get annoyed with myself and think, just be thankful! Why cant i be joyful n merri about it. but i realize i do appreciate and am thankful, for the small things too. I love a hot bath. I love foood! Twinkly stars on a clear night make me go ooooo. I love the sweet small 'surprises' like a gust of wind when its super hot. I'm truly blessed and so thankful for everything. But i don't want to live my life for just these. What i'm dissatisfied with is not material things, but i crave for more. I was not made to live for all this, i am thankful, but this doesnt bring lasting joy or fulfillment. I have nothing to live for and that makes me no better than a dead person. i have no drive, no motivation. I am empty. Maybe i'm not thankful enough spiritually, emotionally? I'm a brat :/ what can God give me that He hasn't already? But why then do i feel so empty lost confused alone. The problem probably is with me receiving it? Help me DaddyGod. Seems like whenever im close to my breakthru i instinctively close up in fear.

random. Recently i found that i was abit shocked whenever i spoke and someone responded? /laughed (In a grp of ppl :campcom). Which made me realize how used i was to not being heard, and how afraid i am to speak out that i just shut up. How i felt i have nothing of worth to give or say. How i hate to b left out but always end up shrinking to the back n being left out. And get mistaken and looked over. To the point tt i hate talking people, going out, especially groups. Blabblah haish i cannot sleep. My blog very depressing uh haha, only all my struggles and :( thoughts and emotions. Hmmmm. I should not apologize for being me? I am very weak.